Glorified Plumbing

I’ve been enjoying having time to work on personal ventures since November, such as a writing project, early-stage start-ups, a bit of consulting, and some travel. If I’m working in start-ups and consulting, well, I’m not really taking a gap from my career; it’s more of an unstructured phase in my career.

Right now, any work is a second priority. In early August, my father-in-law took ill and was hospitalized. He never fully recovered, and we lost him a few weeks later. My mother-in-law is a few years older than him and also has medical issues; cancer. We’re the closest family geographically; I feel it’s our duty to look after her. Family comes first.

This is not my first go-around with this, as I took time from work when my Mum died. I just want to share briefly some of my experiences.

Bereavement

I have been through similar before. About a decade ago, I lost Mum to cancer. You can’t visit sick relatives on the other side of the globe every other week, but I had my tickets for a second visit within months. She passed the day I bought the ticket. I extended my trip so I could stay with Dad for a few weeks to help out any way I could.

I had several layers of bosses at the time. The upper boss approached me the morning after my loss and three days before my booked trip. I think he wanted me to defer the journey; he started the conversation with “Alex, about your trip,” to which I responded, “Yes, we lost her last night; I’m going to have to extend it.” My 4-day planned trip turned into 3 weeks and a bit.

I took work with me, but realistically, I only did 2-3 hours a day work. It was enough to keep the project from getting derailed, but it did slow it down. The work was a healthy and welcome distraction from my grief. I was on a good team, and the Skype calls (pre-Zoom) helped me feel connected to my normality.

I spent a portion of my time running around dealing with paperwork, organizing the funeral, and being there for Dad.

They lived in a small fishing village, so I also spent time walking the cliffs and beaches, something I’d often done with my parents. This was a much-needed personal time to help keep me as balanced as I could be at that time.

On Standby

There are different levels of care and attention you need to give your aged relatives. In our case, currently, we don’t need to be there every moment of every day. Indeed, we have very light-duty responsibilities.

My MIL is no longer driving. At age 85, I applaud her ability to acknowledge that limitation and to stand back from that level of independence. We take her grocery shopping or do it for her. We play taxis and take her to appointments. While her hubby was still with us, we went to visit him. When we lost him, we spent many hours just being with her. We’ve been working around her schedule, accommodating her needs.

There are some complications with her condition, lung cancer, which have necessitated ER visits. As you can imagine, we have to be ready to change our day at the drop of a hat.

Working around care

Of course, my workload would see an uptick right as we enter our current family crisis. Thankfully, my direct client is an old friend and is very understanding. The only way to do things at a time like this is to give “your best” and not “your all” and to manage expectations for the whole team.

I have a proven track record at work in general, and especially in this group, so we all know how the delivery will go. The situation is being handled.

Transparency is important. I have to be honest with myself. I know context switches between being an engineer and being a family member place a burden on productivity. Some midday interruptions finish late enough in the day that I don’t have the energy to restart work.

I have to inform my team of what’s going on so that they know I’m not entirely focused. Project management knows to either re-assign tasks or move out delivery dates. There’s a world of difference between an unanticipated delay and one that is identified upfront.

While my FIL was in hospital, I was only able to get 2 hours of work done a day. It was more than just hospital visits; he used to take my MIL to her doctor’s appointments and grocery store runs. We also spent time with my MIL and helped her identify a more appropriate apartment for them to move to. Now I’m back up to a 30-hour week, 50 if I work the weekends, which I try not to do.

Budgeting

Usually, when people think of a budget, they think of money. Budgeting can apply to other resources; in the case of care giving I feel I have to budget

• Money.
  • This comes into play when you are looking at a leave of absence.
  • How much time off can you afford?
  • Can you work reduced hours?
• Time
  • Work from home.
  • Shifted hours.
  • PTO, you have strict guidelines and hard limits.
  • DTO, you will be banking on a more fungible time resource.
• Personal energy.
  • Physical energy
  • Emotional energy
  • Mental energy
• Other commitments
  • The rest of your family
  • Extra curricular activities.

Time

As an embedded engineer, I’m tied to “core hours” rather than a shift. However, realistically, I am tied to deliveries more than location and hours in a day. For those of you with a “9 to 5,” that is, a regular shift, I can’t speak to how you would accommodate. I’ve had factory work, 7-4 + overtime, I’ve had alternating days and nights 12-hour shifts, and I’ve worked in catering, where you are there for the wedding, the regimental dinner, or the sports event. There is a lot less flexibility when there are time-centric commitments like that. The only thing you can do is work fewer hours or switch shifts to “graveyard” from daylight. Very unforgiving.

Core hours are a subset of the day when we schedule meetings, so everyone is there. They are often times like 10am to 4pm. These allow flexibility; you may want to drive home before peak commute hours or start late after delivering kids to daycare. Core hours may be skewed to accommodate a team split between time zones such as EST and PST. Core hours are one of the “perks” or “freedoms” I can enjoy in my field.

Trying to maintain all your usual commitments to family and work while taking on a care role will eat into your “you time.” For a short period, that’s just part of life. It’ll be a rough few days, but within a week, it may well start becoming too much. I’m in a position where I can back burner work. My kids are grown and can fend for themselves. I can pause my social life; my friends will still be there. But I know one place for me to not compromise is sleeping. Your new healthy balance will be different, everyone’s situation is different.

Personal life

If you find yourself in an extended period of care, be careful. I have seen this cause issues in family life; I had an uncle shoulder the full weight of caring for my grandad, missing his daughter’s teenage years. I know from raising kids, working in start-ups, and getting through polytechnic that I used to often give too much and not look after myself.

I gave up an annual camping trip in the mountains this year. I’m glad I did, as we ended up in the ER that weekend. I know how guilty I would have felt if I hadn’t been here.

However, two buddies who had moved out of the Bay Area were passing through, and I made sure I got to have lunch with them. I tried to stay close to home, but I was “within an hour’s drive,” not right here; there are ambulances for the really bad stuff. They were both long lunches, with some drive time, but well worth it. A change of pace, someone else’s news, friendly faces, and different food. A break from work and family stress.

As much as I like my home life and working from home, I need a social life. I know I will be heading off to see friends, just not as often as I usually do. I will find the balance that is right for me.

By looking after your needs, you will be better able to look after theirs. My friends provide a good support group for me; they make it easier for me to support those who need me.

Not out of the woods

I know we have some darker months ahead of us. The final stages of cancer are brutal on the victim and very hard on those of us who can only watch helplessly from the sidelines.

I also know my current contract will end, and I’ll need to find some billable work. I’m not sure if I can reliably commit to 40 hours a week. The only thing I can do is be up-front with anyone I engage with. No one wants a bait and switch.

I’ll find a way through; I always do.

Final thoughts

For those of you going through this, you have my sympathy. Watching a loved one suffer is a difficult thing to do.

I have to recognize my privilege again. I can take time out to look for family. Not everyone can. For those of you who can’t, I can understand your frustration. When I was a new dad, I was allowed to take a week’s vacation when the baby arrived. Compare that to modern companies that have many weeks of parent bonding leave available. I know what it’s like to not have the freedom I have now.

When navigating how much leave you need or what flexi-time you should take, work with your manager and HR teams. You may find the situation is something you want to keep pretty private, but share with your team the fact that you won’t be on your A-game for a while. Let your manager redistribute the workload. How many times have you had to pick up the pace when someone else was in need? It’s part of life, we all face it at some time.

Look after yourself, it’s the only way you’ll have the strength to get though this.

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About the photo.

I don’t have many good photos for this theme. This statue, “The Healers Touch,” stands in the courtyard of the Kaiser hospital in San Leandro, CA. This is a hospital I am now way too intimate with.

About the post.

This post is a bit more personal. I wrote most of it in late August when things were not so bleak but turning dark. I have not put this through the editorial wringer, so there are rough edges. It’s a personal experience; I have not researched HR policies or psycho-therapy processes.